OXFORDS: This is the main term you should put in Google when searching for shoes. Oxfords are what adults wear. There are many variations, but in short, they have laces and are made of leather. They are typically pretty "plain" at first glance. They are what the assholes that wrote the Constitution wore, so wearing them makes you cool by proxy. They are always appropriate in any situation (except when wearing shorts).
LOAFERS: A term you only need to know if you are over the age of 47 or are a Northern Massachusetts son-of-privilege. This is what Polo models wear, or gay folks. They are sometimes worn in formal situations or "business casual" meetings, but the safest choice is always an oxford. Somehow, they work pretty well with khaki shorts as long as they aren't shit colored.
BOAT SHOES: These are loafers, but look slightly less retarded when worn with shorts. Only three groups of people should wear these:* Anyone that owns a boat
* Anyone under the age of 25 that saw them in Urban Outfitters (TREND ALERT!)
* Anyone over the age of 45 that wants to wear loafers but doesn't like the taste of sperm.
GOOD SNEAKERS: Everything designed before 1970, or any sneaker that sucks as a sneaker. OK with shorts or jeans. Too trendy with pants, khakis, or suits.
BAD SNEAKERS: Anything designed for exercise and made after 1970. Only wear these to the gym or exercising.
DESERT BOOTS: These are what Lawrence of Arabia wore, who was the only man alive that was simultaneously queerer and manlier than anyone else on earth. Avoid the dark brown boots because they look like feces.
SANDALS: This is what Arabs and Indians wear, as well as Floridians. Clark's makes a good pair, and so does Bed|Stu. You should only wear these if you are at the beach, by a pool, or live within 10 miles of a body of water. If you have ugly ass feet or nails, don't wear them, for the love of Christ. And I'd only suggest wearing them casually if you are already married and have nothing to lose. Feet are generally gross.
No comments:
Post a Comment