Looking good doesn't have to be expensive.

Go to http://www.walmart.com

See if you can find any shoes that don't break our rules at Wal-Mart. Here are a few that I found.











Here are some simple boat shoes. I think these shoes look great with khaki shorts for someone that is in their mid-40s or older.


Remember: plain is good. Plain works. Your ensemble should be the focus, not a single area of your outfit.











Keds are the rage, strangely, in 2010. But only for skinny people that are under the age of 25, or retirees. These rip-offs are really inexpensive.
















Formal, patent oxfords for formal attire. Under $40.

More info you need to pull this shit off.

OXFORDS: This is the main term you should put in Google when searching for shoes. Oxfords are what adults wear. There are many variations, but in short, they have laces and are made of leather. They are typically pretty "plain" at first glance. They are what the assholes that wrote the Constitution wore, so wearing them makes you cool by proxy. They are always appropriate in any situation (except when wearing shorts).






LOAFERS: A term you only need to know if you are over the age of 47 or are a Northern Massachusetts son-of-privilege. This is what Polo models wear, or gay folks. They are sometimes worn in formal situations or "business casual" meetings, but the safest choice is always an oxford. Somehow, they work pretty well with khaki shorts as long as they aren't shit colored.




BOAT SHOES: These are loafers, but look slightly less retarded when worn with shorts. Only three groups of people should wear these:

* Anyone that owns a boat
* Anyone under the age of 25 that saw them in Urban Outfitters (TREND ALERT!)
* Anyone over the age of 45 that wants to wear loafers but doesn't like the taste of sperm.





GOOD SNEAKERS: Everything designed before 1970, or any sneaker that sucks as a sneaker. OK with shorts or jeans. Too trendy with pants, khakis, or suits.











BAD SNEAKERS: Anything designed for exercise and made after 1970. Only wear these to the gym or exercising.








DESERT BOOTS: These are what Lawrence of Arabia wore, who was the only man alive that was simultaneously queerer and manlier than anyone else on earth. Avoid the dark brown boots because they look like feces.






SANDALS: This is what Arabs and Indians wear, as well as Floridians. Clark's makes a good pair, and so does Bed|Stu. You should only wear these if you are at the beach, by a pool, or live within 10 miles of a body of water. If you have ugly ass feet or nails, don't wear them, for the love of Christ. And I'd only suggest wearing them casually if you are already married and have nothing to lose. Feet are generally gross.

Looking good doesn't have to be expensive.

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Some ground rules.

Now if you're going to read this blog, let me tell you that none of this matters. We're a bunch of monkeys that are genetically predisposed to only care about eating and screwing. But that doesn't mean you can't play the game and look your best while you're here.

Here are some basics that you need to know (if you're going to buy into this).

0. GO FOR "SIMPLE" AND "CLASSIC." IF YOU FORGET ALL OTHER RULES, REMEMBER THIS ONE.

Here is a shoe modeled after a 16th century leather block shoe.










Here's a brand new Bed Stu.

Not much change. See if people are wearing Nike Dunks in 400 years.


* Simplicity is always cool, because clothes are additive. If you are wearing some crazy shoes, you failed the test and you don't even know it.

* Simple doesn't mean boring, it just means simple (uncluttered, monochrome, no words or ugly designs). Simple is always stylish.

* Simple is CLASSIC - CLASSIC ALWAYS WINS.

1. MODERN SNEAKERS LOOK BAD. DON'T WEAR THEM UNLESS YOU ARE EXERCISING.

Sneakers are designed to help you accomplish something. That something is not "getting laid." They're designed to make you run fast like Bo Jackson. So don't wear them unless you're at the gym, running, or playing some b-ball after school. This rule has a fail-safe, because if you smell like John Goodman you should probably avoid women anyway. Like all rules, there are some exceptions:

* YOU CAN WEAR SNEAKERS CASUALLY IF THEY WERE DESIGNED BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

This includes Converse All Stars, Adidas Superstars, or Keds (WARNING: TREND ALERT! Being trendy sucks, unless you set the trends. If you follow a trend, you have to be positive that the trend was CLASSIC before it was a trend. Confusing?). So yeah, if the sneakers suck at being sneakers, they are perfect. And they should be black, white, or gray, or have only one touch of color. If you wear high-tops, you should wear them under jeans, unless you are in high school, or in college and slightly fat and have more than one KMFDM shirt.

* IF YOU WERE BORN IN 1980 OR LATER, YOU CAN SAFELY ADD NIKE DUNKS TO YOUR ARSENAL AND WEAR SLIGHTLY LESS BORING COLOR VARIATIONS OF THE SNEAKERS LISTED ABOVE.

* IF YOU ARE AN ENTERTAINER UNDER THE AGE OF 45, NONE OF THESE RULES APPLY, BUT DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU MAKE A WORST-DRESSED LIST.

2. EVERY SHOE MADE BY EVERY MILITARY BEFORE 1970 LOOKS BAD ASS.

* If the shoes look like something grandpa Joe wore face down in the mud slaughtering Krauts, they are guaranteed to be in style forever.

* If you wear military boots, you should probably wear them under your jeans. This looks better in public and adds bonus "cool factor" points when your friends ask "are those Korean War paratrooper boots" and you slide up the leg. Your buddies will all get a boner and perhaps even buy you a cheap beer out of respect.

* Pass on wearing military footwear with en vogue military clothing; keeping your ensemble simple is the whole point of this exercise, and unless you are in the military you just look like you're about to shoot up a school.

3. THE BACK OF YOUR PANTS SHOULD HIT YOUR HEEL (FULL BREAK).

* Unless your mom still bathes you, you've probably heard this rule. That's because you look like a fool if your pants are too long, unless you front a Japanese hip-hop group.








4. BE CAREFUL IF YOU DECIDE TO GET SKINNY JEANS.



* This is a recipe for disaster, because skinny jeans typically violate rule 3 because they taper to a point. Because of this, the shoes really stick out. The only shoes that really don't draw too much attention with skinny jeans are Keds, followed by Converse All Stars. And you pretty much need to be under the age of 30 to pull off skinny jeans, anyway. However, emo girls dig this look (best paired with large, black-rimmed, non-functional glasses and an ironic distressed tee) so it may be worth it is you're into pasty chicks.

5. MATCH YOUR BELT TO YOUR SHOES, LIKE YOUR MOM SAID.



* If you are too lazy to find a matching belt, just un-tuck your shirt.

So there you go. And here's a bonus rule - have some old shoes lying around for when you're walking your dog. Better shoes = more expensive (almost always), and more expensive = more durable (sometimes). But to make them last, you need to treat them with respect. We'll delve into that another time.

It's OK to be a shoefag.

I'll keep it simple. 99% of the shoes marketed to men for daily wear are not attractive.

This is not surprising, because men generally don't care about how they look, and that's fine. Real men are too busy eating beans out of cans and pumping iron.

But women spend most of their lives obsessing about footwear, so if you put forth some effort, you can impress the opposite sex. And since most shoe designers also make shoes for men, you may get laid just for remembering who the hell made yours.

Gay men love shoes too, so if you're a closeted gay man, get your shoes right.

My promise to you is that if a shoe is featured on this blog, it's safe to wear and will look great without "trying too hard." Classics are always great, but styles evolve, so picking contemporary classics is the way to stay ahead of the game. I'll even tell you how risky a shoe is to wear based on how likely your friends are to make fun of you in public.

So read up, and pretty soon you'll be the envy of your friends. Let them assume it comes naturally.